Two Years

So, today is two years since my mom passed. It feels like I saw her just yesterday and forever ago, all at the same time. Last year I took the day off from work (luckily it’s a Saturday this year) and my husband and I spent the day with my best friend. Of course, I can’t do that today because she’s gone now too. I’ve been keeping myself busy, trying not to think too much, but it’s been hard. I had a really hard time falling asleep a few nights ago because I kept picturing my mom in the ER when she was conscious and on the vent and coughing up blood. I haven’t thought about that in a really long time because it was traumatic and horrible and I don’t want to remember it. I don’t know why THAT image popped into my head. Then I had a dream about her on Thursday night. It was Thanksgiving and everyone was at my parents’ house and my mom was there, but she had come back from the dead. This is the second time I’ve had a dream like that. The first time, I was crying and just ecstatic that she was back. I kept telling her how awful it was while she was gone and how much we missed her. This time, I knew that it wasn’t permanent. It was like I was avoiding her in the dream because I didn’t want to get too attached. At one point I realized she would be gone soon so if I wanted to talk to her, I had better do it then. I was trying to find her but other people kept distracting me and then I woke up. Last night, I had a dream that I had just gotten back from Ireland with a former co-worker of mine (the Ireland trip actually happened 3 weeks after she passed). I knew in the dream that I had had some kind of argument with my mom, so I was desperate to see her and tell her I loved her. I saw her in the airport in a crowd of people me I gave her a kiss. Then I got home (to my current house, which my mom has never been to) and she was here waiting for me in the living room. She was crying softly and hugged me and told me how much she loved and missed me. Then I woke up. Needless to say, it hasn’t helped with how I’m feeling today.

All that being said, I never imagined I would make it to this point. I thought I would always feel that raw, overwhelming sadness that I did in the beginning. While I still miss my mom like crazy and it still hurts, it’s different. Other people told me my grief would become a part of who I am and I would learn to live with it. I didn’t believe them, but that is exactly what has happened. I deal with it. I get through the days and do what I need to do to be a normal functioning adult, but it’s always there in the background. Some days are worse than others. But lately I have finally started to feel a tiny bit more like myself. I can listen to some Christmas music and look at holiday decorations without breaking down into a sobbing mess (not all the time apparently as a Christmas pig at Home Depot last weekend sent me right into a deep depression all day). I can laugh and have a good time without feeling guilty now, which is something that I thought was lost for good.

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