That’s pretty much how I would sum up life right now: one reminder after another that my mom and Christina are gone. If it’s not the Mother’s Day commercials, it’s the trailers for movies about best friends. If it’s not a birthday, it’s a holiday. Just about every song reminds me of one of them, either because it’s about loss, or just because it came out around the time one of them passed. I automatically categorize every single song I hear into “this came out before mommy/Christina passed” or “this came out after.”
It feels as if there is constantly a day coming that I am dreading. I just got through my mom’s birthday and Christina’s memorial service, and now I feel like I’m being bombarded by Mother’s Day advertisements. In only a couple of weeks, all of my friends are going to be celebrating with their moms and instead, I’ll be spending another year missing mine. They’ll be complaining about having to buy gifts and go out to brunch, and I’ll be envying them all. I wish I was still able to go out shopping for her, whining the whole time about how difficult she is to shop for since she always bought herself everything she wanted. I would give anything to struggle to pick a gift for her.
Last year was my first Mother’s Day without her, and I opted to stay home instead of go over to my in-laws’ with my husband. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to celebrate with his mom and my sister-in-law, it was just too much of a reminder that my own my mother was gone. After he left, I pulled out my iPod and went through the pictures of her. I stopped at one in particular and just cried until I couldn’t breathe, telling her out loud how much I loved and missed her. I cleaned myself up and went to visit my dad. I tried not to cry, I tried to keep it together, but when he asked why I wasn’t with my husband, I exploded into tears and hysteria.
Part of me hopes that it will get easier like everyone says it will. The other part of me hopes that I’m never that far removed from the pain to not miss her that intensely. I don’t ever want to be indifferent to it. I feel like it’s a fine line between accepting the grief and wallowing in it. Some days I strike a better balance than others, but the Big Days, the Special Days are always exceptionally stressful.
I’ve decided to open up my blog again. The blogs I most enjoy reading are the honest, raw ones. The ones whose authors put themselves and their emotions out there for others to read. Those are the ones that help me the most, by letting me see that other people are going through the same thing I am. Maybe someone will stumble upon my blog and realize they’re not alone by reading my struggles with my mom’s and best friend’s deaths.