My dad, husband and I decorated our tree tonight. It was just as hard as I imagined it was going to be. Last year, I was still so numb from just losing my mom that I don’t think the permanence had sunk in. This year, my second Christmas without her, I’m realizing she’s never coming back. I couldn’t help but look at my pile of yearly ornaments (I get a new ornament every year) and see the one from 2009 and think that that was the last one I chose while she was still alive. That is the last box that has the date written in her handwriting. Last years and this years are written in mine.
I knew I was going to find the ribbon ornament that Christina made and I was expecting a breakdown. I can remember sitting at the kitchen table in my old house, watching her cut up pieces of ribbon scraps and put them together to make this kind of starburst. She gave it to my mom and it has gone on our tree every year for the past 20 years. It’s up there again this year. I found it and immediately started crying. I couldn’t look at it; I had to close the box and try to calm down. I opened the box and picked it up and handed it to my husband to put on the tree because I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I can’t believe that they’re both gone. I’m trying my best to get through the holidays without being a complete Grinch because I know how much they both loved Christmas and how upset they would both be to know how sad I am. It’s just so hard to be happy and joyful when I feel so empty without them here.