>I’ve never been an overly happy, bubbly kind of person. I’m quiet, reserved and hide my emotions. Obnoxiously happy people tend to annoy me, especially lately, ever since my mom passed.
I have a co-worker, we’ll call her Nancy, who is young and naive and seems blissfully ignorant that not everyone is as happy as she is all the time. Today she turned around and asked me if I was excited about the clocks changing this weekend because “now we’ll get a whole extra hour of sunlight after work!!!!” I used all my willpower to stop from telling her, “No, dumbass, I’m NOT excited about the time change at all. Not even a little bit. And do you know why? BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS DEAD.” I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or self-absorbed or whatever, but it’s true. I could really not care any less about these trivial things that she gets excited about and it drives me absolutely insane that she thinks this should be the focus of my world. I wanted to get up on my desk and scream at her and then throw my stapler at her head. But I didn’t. I wish, more than just about anything, that I was back in that place where an extra hour of sunlight everyday was enough to make me happy, was something to get excited about. Now? It’s just another reminder that time continues marching forward, whether I want it to or not.
I have very, very little patience lately. I try to be nice because I realize that I’m the one grieving, not everyone else. I guess it just annoys me that almost no one asks how I’m doing anymore, as if I should be done and over it by now. I should be back to “normal.” I know I need to be more understanding and remember what it felt like on the other side of this horrific line, the side where your world is still right-side-up and you’re able to get through the day without crying hysterically because your mom is gone forever. It’s very hard for me to remember what it was like over there.
I joined an online support group, thanks to my very best friend. She made a donation to an organization called Cancer Care in my mom’s name, and I went to check out what it was since I had never heard of it before. They offer all kinds of support services to patients, family members, caregivers, etc. There are one-on-one counseling sessions, phone counseling, online support groups, in-person support groups, etc. And it’s all free, thanks to some wonderful oncology social workers donating their time! There are about 10 of us in my group, and every member has lost someone to cancer within the last 2 years, although it seems like the majority of posters lost someone to lung cancer recently, so I feel like at least I have somewhere to go and talk to people who know what I’m going through.